Online Therapy for Relationship Issues in New York
By investing your time and being willing to look at your own role in the conflict, you can take steps to bring your relationship back to where it began—to love and enjoyment.
When issues in relationships are not dealt with properly, they can fester and become hindrances in other areas of life. Willingness to address your role in the conflict and make changes individually can help you to mend the broken aspects of your relationship.
Difficulty Communicating
Clients often tell us that they feel unable to share parts of their lives with their significant other. Either they don’t feel heard, or they don’t feel important to their partner. Open communication is one of the most important parts of being in a relationship, so if one partner feels that they are unable to share their feelings, thoughts and desires, then the relationship needs work.
Money
Money is often a source of problems for couples. Each of us often has a different idea of what to do with our hard-earned money, and thus couples who share a household may butt heads on spending habits. Those who make more money tend to want more of a say, and this can create a power imbalance which makes it difficult to maintain an equitable relationship.
Past Issues
We often make the mistake of bringing up past issues when discussing present problems. If we haven’t found resolution in the past, these issues linger and chip away at our relationships, especially when we harbor bitterness rather than practice forgiveness.
And Even the Future
Sometimes people grow restless in their relationships, ambivalent about whether they are compatible with their partner or fearful of what the future might hold. These pressures can be exacerbated by the loss of passion in the relationship or trying to balance a career and other social values.
Every Relationship Needs Maintenance.
Of course, it is normal for partners to have disagreements. There will be conflict, but it’s important to recognize the expectations you place on the relationship, how you affect one another and what you can do individually to enact change in the relationship.
Therapy can be very helpful when your relationship feels strained.
Where Do Relationship Problems Originate?
Relationship problems are as old as time. But why do some suffer more than others? Below are some reasons to seek out individual therapy for your relationship issues.
Mental Illness
Any type of mental health concern can affect a relationship. Anxiety and depression, for instance, can lead us to act in ways that hurt ourselves or those around us without consciously trying to do so. In these cases, willingness to address mental health concerns in therapy allows us to become a healthier partner.
Childhood Trauma
As children, we were programmed to think and behave in certain ways in order to earn affection from our caregivers. These patterns shape us and carry into our adult relationships. When parents are controlling, violate boundaries, or are abusive, children often grow to inherit those same qualities.
Power Imbalance
A current or past relationship where one person holds all the cards and makes all the decisions causes the relationship to suffer. Being in a relationship with a controlling or manipulative partner often has consequences for future relationships as you find yourself pushing others away and struggling to allow for intimacy.
Low Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem often struggle to feel worthy of a loving relationship. This can sometimes lead them to push others away because their worldview —and thus their thoughts and actions— is influenced by this inaccurate perspective of themselves.
Unhealthy Behavior
In some cases, partners will drag each other into unhealthy habits like smoking and drinking in excess. In these situations it’s easier to see the cause of the strife but may be more difficult to stop the behavior or to remove yourself from the relationship.
Warning Signs
Are there steps that you can take to change your relationship? Take a look at the following warning signs and think about how your relationship and your own behavior compares. This does not mean you have a dysfunctional relationship, but perhaps there are some issues that you can address.
Inflexibility
When you or your partner aren’t willing to compromise, this is a tell-tale sign that the relationship has reached a point of contention. In order for a relationship to continue, both partners must be willing to work together and make sacrifices to meet each other’s needs.
Resentment
We make a mistake when we don’t bring up issues directly, or if we prematurely say we’ve forgiven a past offense without fully moving on. These moments can be dangerous as they breed resentment. Resentment changes how you see a person and often morphs into hurtful comments.
Lack of Communication
As a relationship progresses, partners may find they talk less and less with each other. They share less about their days and stop getting to know each other. Sharing about our internal worlds, and effectively communicating our frustration or anger as well as our expectations are all important.
Selfishness
If you find yourself in a relationship only thinking about yourself and your needs or bending over backwards for a partner who seems to do so, it’s difficult to maintain long-term success. Healthy relationships are built on consideration for one another and a desire to help each other be their best self.
Keeping Secrets
Secrets are one of the most important signs a relationship is in trouble. They are both an indication of a lack of communication between partners and reflect a breakdown in trust. Considering the best way to share difficult news with a partner may keep you quiet initially, but in the end, honesty is key.
When Left Unaddressed, Relationship Problems Intensify
Other Signs of Relationship Issues
Hesitating to seek emotional support from your partner
Calling each other names
Disrespect and ignoring when one of you says “no”
Implying they only value you for one thing (money, sex, etc)
Avoiding coming home
Your partner complains about you to others
You feel that nothing you do is good enough
Arguments quickly escalate to threats or violence
Criticizing your body
Breaking up and getting back together often
Getting you involved in illegal activities
Uninterested in each other’s well-being or success
Constantly joking about leaving you
A “my way or the highway“ mentality
Blaming your partner for your life not turning out as you expected
Therapy for Relationship Issues
When your partner is unwilling to attend couples therapy but you still want to address your concerns, working with an individual therapist is still a great way to process through relationship difficulty.
3 Ways You Can Help Your Relationship
Phrases to Include in Your Relational Vocabulary
Stay up-to-date with your partner
People change with time. While couples spend time getting to know each other in the beginning of their relationships, they often don’t continue this trend throughout their partnership. New things happen all the time, and asking our partners about their lives is a great way to strengthen your bond.
“How was your day?”
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“How do you feel about what’s happening in the news?”
“What are you most looking forward to right now?”
Show them you care
Often, we find that couples don’t feel loved because they don’t hear their partners say it in a language that makes sense to them. We also get trapped in waiting for the other person to make the ‘first move’ and instead stay stuck in unhelpful patterns. Take the time both to notice small changes that your partner has already made and ways that you can follow suit.
“What can I do for you?”
“I’m here for you.”
“I appreciate how you’ve been supportive lately.”
“I’ve noticed that you have been doing ______ differently.”
Navigate conflict with love
When problems do arise, the key is to handle them with grace and compassion. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and trust that you each may not be intentionally trying to create more conflict. Love is built on the foundation of respect for one another’s opinions, thoughts and beliefs.
“Let me start again in a softer way.”
“I’m feeling defensive. Can you rephrase that?”
“I know this isn’t your fault.”
“My fear is that by telling you this, you’re going to hear me say something else”
These are the types of exercises and goals we can practice in therapy to give you the skills to work on your relationship.
By investing your time and being willing to look at your own role in the conflict, you can take steps to bring your relationship back to where it began—to love and enjoyment.