Intimate Partner & Couples Therapy
Online Support for New Yorkers
Whether you are a couple or part of a polyamorous configuration, difficulties in relationships sometimes need the extra care that therapy can provide. Disagreements, conflict and violations of trust can make it seem impossible to move forward. Whatever you are struggling with in your relationship(s), we can help you learn to communicate effectively, restore trust and lead with respect.
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
Conflicts Occur in All Relationships
After months or years of bliss, a person may find themselves unable to communicate with or relate to a partner the way they once could.
What once felt like a perfect match may feel like a mistake when disagreements become more frequent.
New Stressors Emerge
After putting time into a relationship and getting to know each other better, you may find out that you have as many differences of opinions as you have agreements. Disagreements about what’s too personal to post on social media or where to spend the holidays might even lead to more significant arguments than conflict about bigger life events like the decision to have kids or whether to move.
As Time Brings New Life Circumstances
Ups and downs occur in any romantic or platonic relationship because people do not always agree on everything. As life goes on, each person may begin seeing things from new perspectives. Still, intimate partners may take conflicts as signs of doom and grow restless and fearful of their compatibility and future together.
Every Relationship Needs Maintenance.
Whether we like it or not, disagreements and conflicts are a natural part of life. Everyone has personality traits, preferences, belief systems, and experiences that shape their opinions and behaviors.
Life changes and individual differences can cause discomfort to be palpable during once-enjoyable activities like waking up or eating together. These changes can blindside couples and leave them unable to cope.
Therapy can be very helpful when your relationship feels strained.
When Therapy with Your Partner(s) is Not an Option
If your relationship problems leave you feeling uncomfortable or like you can’t recognize your partner or yourself anymore, consider using a professional therapist’s expertise to get your relationship back on track.
If therapy with your partner isn’t an option, consider working on your own role in the relationship with individual sessions.
Repeatedly Having the Same Arguments
Arguments occur in every relationship, even the happiest and healthiest ones. They’re opportunities for open expression instead of keeping complex issues swept under the rug. However, if you endlessly have the same argument without resolution, this may be a sign that a major disconnect exists between you and your partner.
Not Arguing at All
By contrast, some partners may start avoiding each other to avoid arguing. No longer arguing with each other can also be a sign of trouble. It might seem like progress if a relationship filled with conflict suddenly seems conflict-free, but a lack of even healthy arguments could indicate a need to address something that’s gone unresolved.
Resentment Brews
Sometimes, it’s not the disagreements or conflicts you have that damage the relationship but your response to them. When partners refuse to bring up issues directly and speak about them, or one person says they’ve forgiven a partner’s transgression when they haven’t, resentment may develop. Resentment can transform how you see your partner and your relationship and potentially lead to hurtful, regrettable comments.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is manipulation in which someone speaks or behaves in ways that make another person question their reality and feelings. When one partner gaslights another, this may contribute to their partner feeling insecure. Insecurity in intimate connections can breed defensiveness, which can ultimately intensify conflicts.
When Left Unaddressed, Relationship Problems Intensify
Breakdown in effective communication can exacerbate relationship issues making it difficult to know how to move forward and resolve them. Clients often confide in us that they no longer feel able to reach their significant other and share in one another’s internal worlds.
When healthy communication suffers in a relationship, an uncomfortable atmosphere of sustained underlying conflict gets reinforced where people no longer feel heard or valued by their partner.
If intimate partners don’t feel comfortable or safe enough to express their thoughts, feelings, desires, and what’s important to them, the relationship needs work.
The Most Common Problems Intimate Partners Experience
Many relationship issues occur because individuals may be unwilling to recognize their role in conflicts and unable to make personal changes that can help restore the broken components of the relationship.
Keeping Secrets
A frequently cited relationship issue is secret-keeping. Not only do secrets between partners indicate ineffective communication, but they may also be reflective of a breakdown in trust and honesty. Withholding secrets from the past may signal that a person is afraid a partner will judge them or weaponize their history in present conflicts.
Trying to Fix Each Other
Feeling like your partner is someone who needs to be fixed can also be problematic. It’s natural to want someone you love to feel better when they’re suffering. However, it’s crucial to remember that while experiences like anxiety or sadness can be painful, your partner has the right to feel what they’re feeling and work through it in their own time. If you try to transform your partner into someone you want them to be instead of embracing who they are, and you treat their painful feelings and experiences as problems you must erase, you may be invalidating them.
Distorted or Unrealistic Expectations
Having unrealistic expectations is a significant issue for many people in relationships. Many hold on to a romanticized idea of their partner. They may be unable to stop seeking perfection and embrace the idea that someone can be a good partner for them the way they are. A person with unrealistic expectations may feel their needs aren’t being met in a relationship, and they may begin to feel distance in the relationship or fantasizing about leaving. Ultimately, this contributes to conflict and unhappiness with their partner.
Selfish Behaviors
People who only focus on themselves and their needs may find it difficult to maintain lasting success in a healthy relationship. When someone is determined to get what they want out of a relationship at any cost, they may think, act, and make decisions in ways that disregard their significant other and show a lack of consideration of their feelings and needs. When a person shows no respect for their partner, having a healthy relationship is impossible.
Intimate Partner Therapy
Intimate Partner Therapy aims to address relationship issues by examining the root causes of conflicts and providing partners with healthy methods of conflict resolution. Licensed therapists can point out the difference between unhealthy arguments and healthy ones. They can teach positive communication skills and ways to negotiate differences.
2 Things You Can Start Doing Now to Improve Your Relationship(s) & What it Sounds Like
Clear Identification and Expression of Feelings
When you’re experiencing a crisis, and even when you’re not, it’s crucial to understand your feelings and your partner’s. Identifying your feelings and thoughts, putting them into words, communicating them openly, and listening to each other allows you to handle tough conversations with compassion and grace.
“I agree with part of what you’re saying, but I should explain why I don’t agree with the rest.”
“I’m sorry. I should start again in a softer way.”
Strengthen Your Attachment
As people change over time, so do relationships. Many people stop making an effort to get to know each other once they’re out of the honeymoon phase. New events take place that can cause your partner’s opinions, values, and preferences to change. Try doing new activities together and going on dates; use the time to ask them to share their inner world with you.
“How was your day?”
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“How do you feel about trying this?”
These are just some of the types of exercises and goals we can practice in therapy to give you the skills to work on your relationship.
Internal and external changes and conflicts can impact your communication, connection, and intimacy. Intimate Partner therapy can make a significant difference and even be a practical preventive step, helping you strengthen your bond and avoid problems before they arise.